Last week, September 9-12, I traveled to Nashville Tennessee for the first time with the Worship Arts department at Grace College where I study. We were attending the Sing Conference lead by Keith and Kristen Getty. It was a great couple of days, but also very hard. I learned a lot about worship and using the Psalms in our individual and congregational worship. I was also reminded that God holds me fast, and will never leave. That was a comforting thought especially since the week previous I had broken up with my boyfriend and felt like my friends had started to act differently around me. When we got back to campus, college life continued as normal, but internally I didn’t feel normal or ok.
You know those times where you just have a mass of emotions that grows in your chest? And then you watch a movie you’ve seen a hundred times, but this one time the struggle between friends or the separation of a couple knocks you off your feet and you lose control of your emotions? Yep. That was me. On Friday night last week, I was watching a movie I’d watched a gazillion times before but this time I just broke down. The main character was struggling with losing friendships, and I was struggling with feeling very alone. I cried. No, actually I ugly sobbed. Long and hard. I texted two friends and they told me to lean on God like they always tell me. The movie ended, I showered and cried the whole time then crawled into bed and pulled out my prayer journal. Here’s what I wrote;
Oh God, why do You let my soul be heavy and sorrowful? Why do You allow Yourself to feel so distant? I’m alone and very much alone in spirit. Why have You not answered my cries in the dark and why have You not dried my tears in the day? I’m sorrowful and weak, and yet it seems that You are not a very present help in my time of need. You are merciful and gracious, so please show me. Make my soul rejoice in You, make my tears become tears of joy and desire. Fill this lonely spirit with You ever present and rich presence. Do not turn Your ears from my cries at night, but comfort me with your mighty hand. Fill my waking with peace. Go before me and be praised in everything. Rejoice my soul, for God is not gone. Rejoice my spirit, for tomorrow will be a new day. Exalt God for He is not gone and will fill you with His presence. Love Him with all your being for He has done so much and will continue too.
This was the first time in a long time I actually poured out my heart’s emotions to my Father. I felt a calming peace when I finished and as I transitioned to His Word. This week has not been any easier. I’ve cried more, written more sorrowful prayers, and had more sleepless nights than I care to admit. HOWEVER, God hears me. He will never leave me. I may feel totally forgotten, but He will never forget. He will renew my strength. He will give me peace. He will hold me up. He will do the same for you. Your trial may just be starting, you may be in the middle of a trial, or you may be saying goodbye to one. Wherever you are, He is right there with you. And if you have emotions that you cannot seem to express, go to the Psalms and then to prayer. The psalms have every human emotion that can ever be expressed. So use them as a gateway to express to your Father where you are. He loves you. He will always love you.
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