My poor husband can attest to the fact that I cry- like a lot. At least once a month, I weep over death. It’s to the point where my husband can walk in and instinctively know that it’s the monthly crying about death day. Let me begin by telling you that I am a born-again believer. I know what happens after death and have great hope in seeing those I love again. But for some reason, I still struggle imagining a world without those I love. As I am the youngest in my family, what about when my grandparents die, my parents die, my brother dies, or my husband dies? God forbid, but what if my little nephew passes away before I do? So I weep. I weep in the “what ifs.” I mourn for those I love before they have even passed away. I have often wondered, what is wrong with me?
Last Saturday though, as I met with a group of friends, I was challenged to do something. I was challenged to write down the TITLES I have been given or that I have given myself. (Please note that at first, I saw absolutely no connection to my monthly crying spells! Isn’t God amazing at how he teaches and enlightens?!) As I was thinking about my titles, I wrote down a few such as daughter,sister, student, aunt, wife, nanny, mother. (If you don’t know me, I am not a mother- but more on that later). After I wrote down these identifiers, the next part of the challenge was to erase each one and truly ask myself if I would still be able to function if one of my titles was removed. But more than function, even through the grief process, would I be like Job and praise God?
I started down my list: daughter. Yeah, nope. If my parents died today, I honestly don’t know how I would cope. Is never getting out of bed again a healthy coping skill? (Asking for a friend). Seriously though, my parents are so dear to me! It would be like losing a major part of who I am. My parents raised me to be independent, but at the same time they are two of my best friends. Would I be able to mourn, and still praise God? Honestly, I don’t think so. Being a daughter is part of who I am.
As a sister and (now) an aunt, would I be able to ever function again- let alone praise God- if those titles were erased? Probably not. My brother is instrumental in my life, and my nephew is an enormous part of my life. It’s almost as if I have told the Lord that ‘I will praise You through mourning with friend’s passing- but my family is off limits.’ These titles I hold too dearly.
My title as a student is also one of my main titles. I am so consumed with being a “good” student, that I often have put my physical health at risk for the promise of an ‘A.’ In fact, I did. Last year, I ended up in the hospital for many reasons. One of those reasons was that I was consumed with school and grades. I would go for days without sleep to finish a paper. I gained so much weight because, if I ate out, I would have more time to work on school. My sophomore year in college, my roommates actually hid my books so I would stop studying and go outside. I became obsessed with my title as student.
While I was a student, I became a wife. Heaven help us all, if my husband (Noah) was erased from my life. If my family passes away and my title of student is erased, Noah will be there for me. He always has in the past. He holds me, comforts me, reassures me. He protects me and provides for me. If I woke up tomorrow and my title of wife was erased, I would feel as if I had no reason for living- it would be better off to die and be with Jesus and Noah.
While I was a wife and a student, I was also a nanny. These girls were my life. I was with them for many hours a week for almost two years! When I chose- kicking and screaming (because God pretty much gave me no other option)- to step away from this title, I actually had to go through extensive counseling. What did my life look like without this title?!
And finally, my title as mother. While this is a long story that would best be done face to face and with a few hours to talk about, the main point of this title is that I am not a mother and may not ever be able to have children. Growing up, I longed to be a mother. I remember even telling my mom that I was going to have 102 kids (51 boys and 51 girls). My baby-dolls went with me wherever I went. (I would even “pay” my friends to babysit them sometimes). I eagerly anticipated the day that I would hear the title “mommy” from my child’s mouth. That day may never come. (Even if we chose to adopt or foster, there is always the ‘what if’ even that cannot happen). Even through mourning, would I still praise God? I know that I have not been at the loss of this title. What would it even look like? I’ll tell you what it would look like by one of my close friend’s story. She and her husband’s child passed away. Through the grieving process, one thing has God is still their stronghold. Yes, there is anger and confusion and pain, but God has not ceased to be God in their lives. How is this possible?
And then it hit me. Being God’s daughter is her main Title- it should be my main Title. If I woke up tomorrow and my titles were all been erased, I would not be alone. I would grieve, but God would still be there. I can never lose the Title of being God’s daughter! I have spent years identifying myself by the Titles I was given or have chosen, and years morning the day that these Titles will disappear. But that is not how I am called to live. Yes, those Titles are good- they have been blessings. But my identity cannot be so consumed with that list. I am more than a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a student, a nanny, a wife or a mother. I am more because God has given me the Title of His daughter to cling to. What about you? I challenge you to make a list of what Titles you hold dearly- almost too dearly. And ask yourself, if you woke up tomorrow and one or all of those titles disappeared, would you still be able to praise God?
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